everything is in equilibrium

The world is in equilibrium.

Everytime I watch a news program on TV, I always see the children in Africa deprived of food and care. Some of them die in hunger and some are still battling with their circumstance. On the other hand, the other side of the world rakes money by producing expensive gadgets or its like. Just a single item costs a thousand dollar or more depending on its model.

Most celebrities live a life in luxury. They can have all what they want. They can travel to any destinations of their choice or whims. Anything they ask, they can have. It is truly quintessential. But why most of them fail in other aspects in life. Marriages falter. Relationships are ruined. Some also resort to illegal drugs. Their lives are shattered. Happiness and satisfaction are quite difficult to achieve though money is sufficient.

There are other similar stories like these. Some seek for peace while others wage for war. Some restrict a law while others embrace it. Truly that everything is in equilibrium. 

i feel stupid

I feel so stupid!

After a devastating storm, I was not able to pull myself together in a quick way as possible. I let my mind think a lot which made me paralyzed for quite sometime and did nothing but to drench myself in the idea of why had she done to me this way. For almost a month of nursing my heart, my life had revolved into this grotesque vacuum and never let anyone notice it.

All those days had been wasted. Those unrequited sleepless nights had consumed even the last marrow of my bones. I couldn't believe myself that I was so engrossed with her thoughts knowing that everything about us was just a fairy tale founded only by lust and lies.

Now, I just feel so stupid. I could have done better if I got out of it immediately as possible. I wish I had known it wouldn't work out. I wish I had felt this feeling when I was with her.

I have moved on but I am afraid to love again. I am scared of the idea that love is not really meant for me.  

regrets? none

One of the most complex things to handle with matters of the heart is when you both love each other yet you could not patch things up. When one decides to end a relationship up, and the other one has no choice but to give up, that is the time pain is felt.

You cannot be angry. You cannot shout at her. You cannot blame her because it is no one's fault. The love you both have has withered and there are no more reasons to stick around. Start to walk ahead and get away from her because that is the right thing to do rather than to stay. It may be really unbearable to watch yourself and her departing, from each others' path, but eventually this will pass. Sooner or later, you will see yourself out from her shadows... her life.

Look back. Yes, that is how you remember how have you become stronger from a past. That is how you learn lessons from a past. Regrets? None. It is all a part of the past.

flower men

It is not so surprising.

I heard from a news source on TV that men are so much into cosmetics nowadays. Aside from actors or the guys who work in the media, many males are now so much vain, or even vainer than females. There are some who spend in front of the mirror plucking or aligning eye brows and thickening them with pencil leads, wearing foundation to look whiter or brighter, and so on. They are called 'flower men.'--effeminate male beauty, but not necessarily gay. Moreover, these men reason out that wearing make ups could boost their confidence. They say that it is necessary for them to look pleasing for  job advancements or for romance.

Factually, cosmetics were an important part of the lives of the male Egyptians in the ancient civilizations. Some men put on oil and creams to protect their skin in the desert. Yes, the 'rugged masculine' attitude were often seen with red ochre and henna to dye lips, cheeks and even fingernails. They were also into heavy eyeliner which believed to be good for eyesight.

Modern men, metrosexual men, flower men, effeminate males... they are  now seen in the society. Does this mean that in the near future we will see make up or kits inside men's bags or pouches? Or, will men be sharing their girlfriend's make up kit?

On the other hand, there is still a large number who maintain the image of being  'traditional men.' 

Is this a schism of 'manly-man' or masculinity?

it's been 8 years

It's been 8 years.

ben

Yes, that long. But asked if I have had suitors within these years, of course!. I am not that picky yet everyone came and then just flew away. And there is this one who has stayed but he is oceans' apart from me. Virtually, I can say, because we have met each other minimally. We have known each other for 3 years. Well, I thank God because he understands my disposition. I have a 12 years old daughter from my estranged husband. According to him, it is just alright.

I am not getting any younger. I am 38. Yes, I have moved on from my 'broken marriage' so-to-speak. But why when I talk about marriage per se with this new one, I still have doubts, second thoughts.. It seems like I can't really give myself into the idea of settling down again with someone. Maybe because this new one is far? Or maybe I am scared that when I live with this new one, eventually, he would become infidel like the first one? Or maybe I am still bitter about marriage? 

Why is it that some men are not satisfied with their partners during marriage? I still hope to be with someone. I can't see myself growing old alone. I pray that this one is the last. 

It's been 8 years and I want this bitterness in the middle of heart to be buried with the memory of my past.

feel beautiful

My colleague, Jammy, called me earlier for a  late brunch. I hesitated because last night I feasted with food in a friend's place. But Jammy was so insistent that in the end she was able to get my 'yes.'

ben

Before we asked for the bill, her phone rang. I asked who's calling her in a soft voice and she answered me, "Someone at work."

After the phone call, she told me to go straight to the hospital to do something. I said, "I don't want to go to the hospital. I get sad when I go there."

Again, she was so fierce that I was not able to escape from her. We walked the aisle of the hospital where nurses were rushing pushing beds of sick people. I told her that this is the reason why I don't really go to hospitals. She just smiled, then, no more reaction. We reached a room where someone was waiting for us. He looked familiar; maybe I have seen him at work. He and Jammy told me to go upstairs. After climbing to the third floor, I saw 'Blood Donation Room.' Right at that moment, Jammy told me that she would be donating blood for a colleague's mom.

I asked what happened to the familiar colleague's mom and he replied, "My mom got an accident last Tuesday. She needs a B-type blood and I found out that Jammy has the same. So, I requested her to donate her blood."

After some minutes, Jammy walked out of the room with a small ball of cotton on her arm feeling healthy. She looked just fine after giving out her blood. Inside the car while we were on our way home I threw another question to her, "Why did you do that? You don't know him well. You're not even close to the person."

Jammy said with a bright grin on her face, "I feel happy whenever I do something good for someone. I feel beautiful knowing that I make someone's life beautiful as well!"

blanket

ben

He strangled her with the blanket found at the bed. I couldn't imagine that he was able do such. 

Rommel was a very charming guy. He lived a very decent life alone in his apartment. He was a little nerdy which makes him more interesting. He was too good to be a nice guy. But why he did that to Isabel?

Investigations found out that Rommel had a very dreary family background. He was abandoned by his parents at the age of 6 and had lived in an orphanage almost half of his life. His sister was raped and killed by unknown men in his town. His other siblings were caught behind bars for illegal drugs and substances. Because of these, his heart was filled  with bitterness. His heart was filled with revenge.

Isabel was not the first one he killed. There were first, second, third...and more. Many people mysteriously disappeared and no one had known the fact that he was the mind of all this. He was a sociopath.

Nowadays, it is difficult to distinguish between good and bad people. In this case, we have known that family plays a big role in the behavioral disposition of an individual. If a family is dysfunctional and deviant, there is a tendency that some members may go the wrong way. It may not be absolute, but it happens, more often, in a situation like that of  Rommel.

Family is the smallest unit of society yet, purportedly, it is where biggest holocausts come from.

changed

ben

"Why can't you change? How many times do I have to tell you that what you are doing is out of the norm." A mom came to grip with her daughter in a slightly moderated confrontation.The mom noticed that her daughter had a very hard time straightening her actions. 

One time the mom asked her daughter, "What is really your problem?"

"It is really difficult to change, mom. Everyday, I do my best to change as you would like me to do but each day that comes, it becomes harder and harder. I just wonder why you would like me to change in an instant," she answered.

Before the mom continued her interrogation, the daughter added, "Mom, look this way. I have been telling you to quit smoking but still you smoke your death. How many times should I tell you mom that smoking is dangerous to your health?"

Sometimes, we want change from people whom we believe are doing not good things but we scantily notice ourselves changing from our bad habits. We should consider the thought that it takes time and willingness to change or to be changed. It is never a good notion to push someone to change when we ourselves know that changing our bad practices are hardly altered.

you wait

What will you do if these situations happen to you?

ben

---In a date, you wait for someone for an hour or two and  in the end he/she will show up when you want to back out.

---At night, you wait for some hours for your sibling's call but  in the end he/she will not ring you up.

---In a group trip, you wait for an hour  for a friend to arrive but he/she will appear later than the appointment time.

---In a business meeting, you wait for a colleague to present and in the end he/she will arrive in an almost near-dismissal time.

---In a bus stop or a train platform, you wait for some minutes but still a bus or train would not arrive.

---In a grocery store, you wait for some minutes in a long queue and eventually the manager will announce that the cash register is broken.

---In a restaurant, you wait for a long time for your food to arrive and you see a table being served earlier than you. These people on the other table arrived later than you.

---In a toilet, you wait for your turn in a long tail only to know in the end that the toilet is out of order.

---In a class, you wait  for an hour for the teacher to arrive and then you will know that the class is cancelled.

---In a traffic light intersection, you wait for the green light to appear in almost half an hour but in the end you will know that the road is closed.

Waiting is a gauge to measure your patience. Your attitude towards waiting reflects the kind of person you are.

scum...bum

"You are a scum! You are a bum!"

They rhyme, don't they? These two words were always the words he had to receive from his classmates in primary. Almost everyday in his life he had to suffer such kind of bully.

Who can imagine that this scum and bum is now one of the richest men in his country? This is real. What drove him to become this person now?

"When I was younger, I was always bullied at school or outside by people. They call me scum or bum. But I did not stick to what stereotypes they put on my name. It was not easy but those bullies that I had to swallow put me into this state in life. I made them as my inspiration to survive, to strive, and to prove them that I am not the person as they were calling me."

We decide what life we want to have. We should not live by what others say we are. We should always contend to fight with others or ourselves to be better without harming anyone.

destined to be her enemy

A dog prayed to his god.

"Lord, I fought with the cat today. I don't know why I always feel like fighting with her whenever I see her. There was no reason why I had a brawl with her. I just found myself fighting with her. Am I really destined to be her enemy?"

ben

The morning after, the dog met the cat again. No matter how hard he tried not to fight with her, there was always an upsurge within him whispering him to fight with her. That day, he fought with the cat again.

At night, he prayed to his god again.

"Lord, why do I always want to fight with her? Forgive me, I don't want this way. Help me! Show me the way out."

Darkness began to vanish as light started to unfold. Again, as the dog was walking along his way, he saw this cat. All of a sudden the cat talked to the dog saying, "Your lord talked to me last night telling me that I should talk to you not to fight with me anymore. Your lord also told me that it is not your destiny to be my enemy. In fact, he told me that you have a good heart  so you can be my friend. Please, let us make ourselves affable with each other. Can't we?"

The dog was shocked. He was in full awe as he heard what the cat had said. From that day on, the dog befriended his enemy.

No one wants to be someone's enemy. It is through a simple and gentle talk that we can achieve harmony.

a beautiful goodbye

Sitting alone in this one corner of my bed holding all the memories we had in tears. Every drop is just like a needle pricking my heart. As the night goes deeper, my mind gets more numb. I thought I could all live by myself but I have felt that I would be happier with you. But, it is all over now. It seems like my heart stops from beating. It feels like my mind gets more painful and painful thinking of the days when we were together. I wish I could erase them one by one. 

Nevertheless, I want to tell you that everything I did was all for you. There was no moment that I never had your thoughts in my mind. I gave all myself for you without any hesitations. My existence was all meant for you.I lived only for you.

What I must do is to let this night pass. I do not want to freeze it. The more it stays, the more painful I feel knowing that you are not here anymore. I have to let you go- everything about you. This is the best thing for me, and  for you. This is I guess the most beautiful goodbye I have to give you. 

ben

***This is a script I scribbled for someone:

For one week, I waited for even just a single message from you but I did not receive any. I tried everything I could but I think all is nothing and meaningless. From this day on, I am going to stop sending you messages until a month, a year, or maybe forever. I understand that your silence means you do not want me anymore. Thank you and goodbye!

i think i am ok

ben

I think I am okay.

It has been a month and I have been thinking of you almost every single day. 

In the morning when I wake up, I scroll down my phone to see some messages from you but all is there is an empty message box. In the afternoon, I see your page but I am not tagged by you. In the evening, I see no good night icons from you. I think I am okay.

I patiently wait for a long day anything from you, but all I get is wasted time thinking of you. I pretend to think something else but all I see in my mind is a picture of you. I think I am okay.

When I eat, I see you beside me. When I drive, I feel you sitting next to me. Even in doing trivial things, I see you. I think I am okay.

Help me! I do not want to stay in this state of being okay. I want to be better than okay. Teach me how to be better than okay. What is better than being okay anyway? Save me! 

perception

ben

Perception towards ourselves contributes much on how we face challenges in our lives. If we always think that we are inferior to anyone else here on the planet, then there is a very strong possibility of not or never finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. If someone always thinks that others are more handsome and more intelligent than him, then he is in the state of insecurity which downgrades his emotional and psychological states.

ever faithful will remain

I put on my gloves, sunglasses, and helmet. I am ready for the long ride to work. As I maneuver on a free flowing way, suddenly, I hear myself singing something. It is like this:

*When our school days

Glide by swiftly

In the gates we walk away

Still the truth and faith she gave us

Shall to us forever stay

Whether high place or in the lowly

Faith may send us joy or pain

But to our beloved college

Ever faithful will remain

ben

It has been almost 2 decades. At a virgin age, I learned the hard ways of life. I was a student who came from one of the remotest places in the area. I barely had shoes to boast. I remember, I only wore mostly slippers going to school. I did not have much money to buy snacks while my classmates could afford to buy and would share some. I skipped field-trips and extra-curricular activities because they were not included in my budget and mainly because my pockets were tight. 

On the other hand, I have the most memorable thoughts of my prime here. I was so naive yet free-willed and  childishly crazy. I had my firsts.  I had my blooms. I had my breaks. I had my peaks. I had my youthful searches. I had my efflorescence. Four years filled with pricey memories that can only being revisited back in my mind. 

Gone are the days that I am young. But my alma mater is still there as if she hasn't grown old since I eloped with my life. She is still an institution being revered by most people in my place. I may have left, but still she remains-- even in my memories. I miss my life in high school. I miss TCA.

*Tarlac College of Agricuture (TCA) Hymn

joy in the rain

The rain pours like there are no more other rainy days. 

ben

I can't feel but melancholic when rain falls from heaven. It brings me good memories of my past. 

When I was a kid, I used to play in the rain with the kids in my neighborhood. I danced, ran, and frolicked in the rain until it stopped from pouring. It was good to dive into the river, where my home was near, from a not-so- high cliff . Undressing like no one would seem to care was just fine at that time. Playing with paper boats swept by a river or a stream was a pure joy in the old days. These were such treasured memories that I would cherish for the rest of my life.

It was then that I felt much bliss--free from any worries of life.

I have grown up but my longingness to play in the rain is still there. Who cares if I make mirth in the middle of falling cold drops of water from above? Later, I will take off my slippers and shirt and put on a merriment that only the rain could give.

best days

ben

This early morning I was reminded of a good thought from an unknown friend. It is really timely I could say because my mind has been unstable due to some intricate reasons. I have been losing inspiration to do things. All things have been so bland in my taste; mundane, and everything I do seems like a drudgery. Moreover, every thing seems bleak and gloomy. But he made me realize that each day is a beautiful day to look forward to. Every day is a step to reaching my dreams. 

As I ponder, isn't it exciting to think that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet? I just have to look forward for the bests are yet to come. Fulfillment is felt from a positive thinking.