i cannot feel you

A couple of months have passed and I have known a little of you. Barely one month of being happily together and the rest was fighting with each other. But obviously, you have filled my life with colors and I want to say,  "Thank you."

Yet, there are things that seem to be difficult to handle between us.

I long for physical intimacy but you cannot give that to me. I have learned to respect you for that, but because I am human so sometimes I desire for intimacy to feel that I really belong to you.

You have changed a lot. You must have been sick and tired of me. You have become a different person; not the same person I knew in the beginning. Or maybe, what I see now is the real you.

Whenever I am with you, it seems like you are not with me. Whenever I kiss you, I see a hesitation in you. Whenever I caress you, I see no reaction from you.

I am not just a lover. I am not your part-time lover. I am neither your 'others'.

I love you but I cannot feel you. I love you but I cannot stand you anymore. I love you but I see I am not important to you. I love the old you, but now you are new.

I need a break. I need to breathe. I need space. I have given almost all my heart to you but now I have to spare even just a little love for myself. The more I try to understand you, the more my heart breaks into pieces.  It is now difficult to chase after you. If I continue being with you, I will lose myself, and you too.

It is truly hard for me to let go of you. It is really hurting for me to see myself walk away from you. But I have no choice. I have to earn more respect for myself, and for you.

I want my heart to give a rest. It is tired and bruised. I only have one and I need to take care of it too.

if we falter

Rise up and do what is necessary!

Sometimes, we let ourselves drowned in a situation where we suffocate ourselves and let our spirit gradually die. We position ourselves by choice into a place where we know we will lose our self-esteem. Consequently, our hearts will eventually fall and fail.

Sometimes, we let other people to maneuver our lives. Unconsciously, little by little they rule our lives without even noticing that we are losing ourselves. We let people create their own spaces in our heart slowly warranting these spaces to occupy our entire heart. Eventually when these spaces have slipped in, we can no longer breathe. The spaces will surely bring us into harm--catastrophe.

Never let people destroy our life. Own it. Live it without regrets. Sometimes, trust our intuitions without any hesitations. Don't let others steal our joy. If not, we will only live under their shadows. 

If we fall, rise up. If we fail, strive harder. If we falter, take a break, then move on.

pathetic

Pathetic!

Yes, that is the best way on how to describe people who put their esteem in the abysmal ocean. Truly pathetic!

One man tries to win back his ex-girlfriend who has already another boyfriend. This man hopes that in the end he can still win the heart of the one he still loves. But the problem is that the woman is happy now with someone else. Pathetic!

One man now begs for alms from unknown people. He used to be famous and rich. But because of vices and caprices, he plunged down into bankruptcy, after which, he got a problem mentally. Pathetic! Good thing his friends still know him. They're the one who are helping him out at the moment.

One man lost his sexual organ because of promiscuity. His partner sliced it with a knife while he was sleeping after knowing that he had been meeting not only one but three other women. Pathetic! Can he still womanize?

One man was axed from his job after he was caught red-handed by his boss. He stole money from the bank where he worked. Now, he spends sleepless nights behind bar trying to figure out how he could go out after being sentenced into lifetime imprisonment. Pathetic!

Are you also pathetic? 

Stop being one! You live only once. Make use of your time wisely, usefully, and happily. Disregard the things that will ditch you into really deep anxiety and crucifying misery. 

deja vu

Dear life, 

I have already seen this. Deja vu!

He was afraid to say that he was on his verge of falling from a cliff-- the cliff of love. He was tormented on how he would say that he no longer had the passion to continue the pact--the pact which was once we created one night under the moon so bright. He was guilty--guilty of pleasures in someone else's arms.

He wanted to change but circumstances always hindered him to look for opportunities of new life. Whenever he felt better, earthly heathen lured him, which had eventually made him fall-- fall into the pit of lust and betrayal.

He would always ask for another chance but had always committed the same mistake after another. He had been used to the farcical clique of philandering. He had been caught by a trap lured with lecherous propensities.

I don't wish him bad. But long after, I know he will suffer from his demeanor. I wish him luck--luck to be able to get through the test of life. I hope he won't encounter this deja vu, this deja vu now in my arms.

                                                                                                                                               ----Sally