same mistake

With my arms, I slowly put my forehead down the table. I just can't hold my emotions anymore.

I think I am sick. I am sick of this repetitive compulsion which is deeply threatening my instinct. How many times that same things happen to me over and over and over again? Committing the same mistake seems to be a magnet for me. It easily happens. I just can't learn from it. Sometimes, I think of banging my head on a wall for being so stubborn that it dwells into the same trap almost every now and then.

Right now, I just want to gain myself again. It has been lost for a long time. I has wandered in a far away world. How long will I chase it? When will I find it back again?

Right now, I just want to vanish. I just want this pain to be dissolved in the boiling longing. Let it melt until morning and vanish and leave no trace again.