i cannot feel you

A couple of months have passed and I have known a little of you. Barely one month of being happily together and the rest was fighting with each other. But obviously, you have filled my life with colors and I want to say,  "Thank you."

Yet, there are things that seem to be difficult to handle between us.

I long for physical intimacy but you cannot give that to me. I have learned to respect you for that, but because I am human so sometimes I desire for intimacy to feel that I really belong to you.

You have changed a lot. You must have been sick and tired of me. You have become a different person; not the same person I knew in the beginning. Or maybe, what I see now is the real you.

Whenever I am with you, it seems like you are not with me. Whenever I kiss you, I see a hesitation in you. Whenever I caress you, I see no reaction from you.

I am not just a lover. I am not your part-time lover. I am neither your 'others'.

I love you but I cannot feel you. I love you but I cannot stand you anymore. I love you but I see I am not important to you. I love the old you, but now you are new.

I need a break. I need to breathe. I need space. I have given almost all my heart to you but now I have to spare even just a little love for myself. The more I try to understand you, the more my heart breaks into pieces.  It is now difficult to chase after you. If I continue being with you, I will lose myself, and you too.

It is truly hard for me to let go of you. It is really hurting for me to see myself walk away from you. But I have no choice. I have to earn more respect for myself, and for you.

I want my heart to give a rest. It is tired and bruised. I only have one and I need to take care of it too.